I dropped my daughter off at college for the first time in August, right before school started. This act of moving her in and saying goodbye was filled with both excitement and sadness. Was our house going to feel quieter? Yes. Were we going to have less laundry? Yes. Were we going to miss her? For sure. Was she going to miss us—maybe? And while I worried about how she might handle the permanency of college (she was going a plane ride away), I also knew she had the tools she needed to get through any hard times that were coming her way, as well as flourish in new relationships and opportunities. I hoped her first fall would be filled with plenty of joy, but I knew she also would encounter challenges. Yet, I was comforted by the fact that she’d weathered many hurdles before, and she got to the other side.
While college has actually been filled with fun football games, new friends, and great classes, it’s also had its share of ups and downs. I’ve had to remind my daughter that, while they can be challenging, she’s navigated setbacks before, and hopefully that brings her some assurance that she can handle tough situations. It seems very cliché to talk about helping kids learn how to navigate setbacks. However, with a college-age child, I’m seeing firsthand why one of the most valuable lessons we can teach, developing resilience, needs to start when children are young to give them ample practice. Difficulties with friends or school help grow independence and build kids’ psychological muscle. Knowing how to handle not getting to play with your favorite toy at recess or how to respond when you’ve received a poor grade on a test isn’t just a good skill to have—it’s really an essential part of a child’s emotional development. So how can we build that psychological muscle in a way that’s age-appropriate? Here are a few ways we do it at DCD:
Make Mistakes Seem Normal
Starting very young, we teach our youngest and our oldest at DCD to make mistakes. It’s all part of the culture of our school. In Pre-K, children pour water from a pitcher into each other’s cups at snack time. Do they sometimes spill—yes. But then what do they do? They clean it up. They’re learning very early how to problem solve and move on. At the other end of the building, if you walk into a middle school math classroom, you’ll see a poster welcoming mistakes because “they allow real thinking to happen.”
Whether it’s doing poorly on a test or struggling with a project, it doesn’t mean students aren’t smart enough, nor that they’re not “math people.” It means they haven’t quite got it yet, and they are learning to do more practice or to go to a teacher for extra help. The real message our students are getting is that everyone messes up sometimes. And, that they can seek help and learn from wrestling with tough moments.
Messing Up Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Person
When children stumble, they often internalize it, feeling not good enough or like they’re “bad” at something. When they are young and things don’t go their way, it’s important to show children that whatever the setback is, it’s about the situation and not about who they are as a person. At DCD, we share a growth mindset. So if a student says, “I’m a terrible writer,” we try to help them see that learning to write is tricky, but they will get better with practice.
Moving On
Teaching kids how to bounce back from a setback isn’t always straightforward. Sometimes it helps to walk them through some steps together. For example, if a 4th grader didn’t follow class expectations and comes to my office, I try to use the opportunity as a teachable moment. Can the student recognize what happened and name their feelings? Can we together reflect on what went wrong—without blame? Then, can we look for what could be learned or done differently next time? A child can easily get stuck feeling sad or upset about “doing something wrong.” But, reflecting on the situation, learning from it, forgiving themselves and others, and coming up with a plan for what they would do in the future helps build that bounce-back mentality.
Let Kids Struggle
This is a hard one. There have been many times in my life when I’ve wanted to just fix things for my kids. Sometimes I think I know the way to make something better. Why wouldn’t I? I’m an educator, and I’ve had plenty of life experience. Other times, it’s simply just faster. (I can tie those shoes more quickly than my daughter when rushing out the door.) I’ve been there. It’s tempting to dive in and resolve the situation. Julie Lycott-Haims talks about this parental shift to “empathize and encourage” over “swoop and solve” in her book How to Raise an Adult. She suggests approaching situations with “empathy and empowerment” to coach children toward finding their own resolutions to problems. In general, allowing kids to experience frustration and sit with discomfort helps build coping skills and teaches them, even from an early age, “I can handle this,” even if it’s hard.
Teaching kids to manage setbacks isn’t about toughening them up or developing “thick skin.” It’s about listening, helping them process, and move through emotions in a healthy way. Kids are going to encounter tough times as they go through elementary and middle school—and in life. We can’t protect them from hard times, but if we give them tools to understand their emotions, learn from mistakes, and teach them to try again, it’s good practice for when we aren’t involved in their everyday lives as parents and teachers (aka: during college and beyond).
We say at DCD that Learning Is a Way of Life. That’s because every setback is a chance to grow. And, with the right support, kids can become capable problem-solvers ready for whatever life brings their way. Luckily, my daughter is a DCD alum. While college is filled with new experiences, I’m comforted knowing she has some of those tools learned when she was younger right in her back pocket. Sometimes, she just needs me to help remind her.
Written by: Emilie Liebhoff | Assistant Head of School & Director of Enrollment
